On Pride

A case for queering the mainstream, rather than mainstreaming the queer

This week, we were delighted to be asked to do a takeover of the lovely Sincerely, Celisia newsletter, which drops this Friday, June 28. Here’s a taste of what you’ll see there: our reflections on this bonny blithe and gay season — just in time for Pride Weekend in NYC.

We’ve sometimes referred to our co-parenting arrangement as “queering the family structure,” which is maybe an opaque turn of phrase to describe something that’s fundamentally pretty simple and joyful (much like Pride itself). 

One of our most memorable Prides was in 2019 when New York City hosted “World Pride” – we wandered the streets with a changing cast of characters; friends who joined up and peeled off throughout the course of a beautiful summery Sunday. We were swept into sidewalk dance parties with visiting tourists. At one point, some jovial strangers called down to us from the window of their house party, inviting us up to join them for a drink. That’s the best part of Pride – a sense of bonhomie so irresistible that it challenges our social norms of privacy and individualism; anyone you encounter can become your new best friend.

Pride 2019, West Village, NYC

2023 was a different version of Pride for us – our son was born last May. At this time last summer, we were lost in the thicket of Newbornland. We were also two friends re-calibrating our relationship – as we had many times over our decade of friendship – as parents, now. Throughout the process of conceiving and planning for our child (detailed in a 10-episode podcast season last year; currently in season 2), we were often confronted with fertility clinic waiting rooms and therapists’ offices festooned with rainbow flags and photos of handsome pairs of gay dads; sweetly proclaiming these institutions to be inclusive and welcoming to all. In general, we found this welcoming attitude to be truthful on the face of it. We also found ourselves at odds with these institutions in the sense that we reside outside the norm of a straight marriage OR a gay marriage. 

We are a chosen family becoming a biological family. It’s a narrative that still makes some people uncomfortable. It challenges not just our notions of sexuality, but of family structure itself. What if your romantic partner doesn’t have to be the core of your family life? What happens if you choose a different path? What does it look like to tease out the threads of sex, love, friendship, and parenting, and find new ways to braid them together again?

Pride is not just about mainstreaming queer narratives – putting a gay gloss onto traditional understandings of partnership, marriage, and family. Don’t get us wrong, we love a Fairy Tale fairy tail ending, and are all here for the queer versions of white picket fences and happily-ever-afters, too. But as we rapidly gain ground on “love is love” and “same love” narratives, we also think it’s important to ask questions that help us push against boundaries of what it means to be partnered and what it means to be a family. Not just bringing the queer into the mainstream, but rather, challenging whether the mainstream way is always the “right” way to begin with.

Thinking back to that boundary-crossing bonhomie from the streets of World Pride 2019, there’s nothing that speaks to that joyful and transgressive spirit more than finding new paradigms of commitment to your friends and chosen family. 

Wishing you love of all kinds during this beautiful June. Happy Pride.¹

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For this past Sunday’s radio show, Amrita was joined by a guest cohost, DJ Snow White Betty aka Libby Flores (author and publisher at BOMB Magazine). Amrita was entranced by Libby’s meticulous curation of background playlists at a group vacation house in Miami last month, and asked her to sit in on Assisted Living while Andrew is traveling in London.

Libby brought us songs to strut to while living your Best Crown Heights Summer Life (hint: Tina Turner), as well as a few sad songs to break your heart, because strong women also cry. Amrita brought us more from the flurry of fabulous summer releases, and a few under-the-radar new weirdos.

We are live on the internet airwaves every Sunday, 6-8pm ET on em-radio.com.

1. Check out Celisia’s page for the full takeover on Friday, complete with our recommendations of what to watch, read, and share in your group chat. :)