First Day
on marking milestones
I have never been one to celebrate milestones. As a child, I resisted the celebration of my own birthday by refusing my family even the mild pleasure of singing “Happy Birthday.” I ran so furiously to escape one such attempt that I gave myself a black eye; smashing into my grandparents’ exquisitely clean plate-glass door and leaving droplets of blood on the cold tile floor of their Naples, Florida dream home.
I went to my high school graduation – but reluctantly, and only because I could fit it in between my lunch and dinner shifts at Chili’s Grill & Bar. I didn’t attend my college graduation at all.
This quality – my reluctance to celebrate milestones – is nasty. It originates in a place where I can hedge against disappointment by denying joy. By pretending the momentous occasion is nothing of consequence. Usually, instead of feeling the gravity of the event, I am numb and neutral. Just moving through it. It’s only long after an event that I begin to understand my emotions. By then, it’s too late to mark the occasion. The milestone has passed. This habit of minimizing the moments of life, shrinking them down to the point where they pass me by, is something that I want to break. It’s a habit that has never served me and surely won’t serve my son.
This morning, Aadi went to daycare for the first time. For the past 17 months, he’s been in our care, full-time. It’s a real milestone. Sure, he’s only going a block away, and, at first, won’t be there for more than a few hours. But it’s a change of pace for all of us. He’s having a new experience away from home and away from us, simultaneously. He’s interacting with other children and with other adults who don’t intimately know his rhythms and his preferences. For the first time since he was born, his day and our day won’t be one and the same.
In a perfect world, this morning I would have woken up with feelings about this new adventure. Instead, I woke up feeling like it was any old regular day. I knew intellectually there was a milestone to celebrate even though I didn’t immediately FEEL anything celebratory. But in the spirit of change and growth, I roused myself to spend some moments at home with Aadi and Amrita before they headed to drop-off.
As we gathered the last bits and pieces — extra diapers, pacifiers, snacks — and stuffed Aadi’s potato-shaped feet into his little sneakers, I thought about what I could do to honor the moment. It didn’t have to be big, but it needed to be something. And so, as they stepped outside to get going — with the bright, unseasonably warm October sunshine on their faces — I snapped a picture of Aadi in Amrita’s arms; two beautiful smiles on two beautiful faces. Then, they were on their way.
Like any baby, Aadi’s already begun piling up important moments: his first steps, first words. There will be a lot of quietly pivotal moments, many milestones, in short order. Each one is worth celebrating in some way, big or small. So are my milestones, as they may come: another year of life; a new job; a first date; a letter of acceptance. My family and friends’ milestones, too. All of it is worth celebrating. Worth risking disappointment by letting joy in.
To my surprise, mere minutes after snapping the picture of Aadi and Amrita, I caught myself looking at it with a smile on my face, and a feeling like something important had just happened.
Maybe there were two milestones this morning.
Our weekly playlist: