Am I a Single Father?
If you’re finding us for the first time, welcome! We were recently featured in a docu-short on instagram and tiktok that has sent many new folks into our online orbit! It feels like a good opportunity to share this Op-Ed that gets to the heart of many of the kind comments and questions.
“So, are you a single parent?” asked the man sitting next to me at the bar. This was our first date. It was an appropriate question to ask as I had shared, in an earlier text exchange, that I had a 10-month old son. The answer – a tentative “yes” – was both true and incomplete. He nodded understandingly and we continued our conversation. Later that night, as I rode the 2 train home, I considered how casually his question conflated my romantic life with my role as a parent; combining two different parts of my identity; implying an intrinsic link. I am romantically single. But I am also platonically partnered. On my date, I had not gone into this detail for fear that it would prove too confusing. On reflection, I wish I had.
The idea that a single person can have a non-romantic co-parent might seem like a semantic distinction. Many single parents raise children alongside former romantic partners. The difference in my circumstance is that I intentionally chose to have a child with my best friend; someone whom I’ve never shared a romantic connection with. I made the deliberate choice not to wait on a romantic partner before becoming a father. My best friend and I live together and care for our son full-time. This affords us the ability to raise our child in a two-parent household, pool our resources, and enjoy the support of a partner. Simply put, we have created a family – hardly the first of its kind. In doing so, we broke a deeply embedded social norm; one that holds up romantic relationships – especially when formalized through marriage – as the most important relationship of all. The one from which all others emanate. It is like that classic schoolyard rhyme exhorts: ”First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage.”
Many in my generation, including myself, have failed to meet the rigid expectations set for us around marriage and family. When it comes to partnership and parenting, only 44% of Millennials are married and just three-in-ten live with a spouse and a child. As we head into our forties, those of us who want children are experiencing the stark reality that time is not on our side. To make it happen, we must find romantic love and we must find it fast. If, though, we take a step back and disentangle romance from parenthood, there becomes a possibility that defies traditional order and allows us to knit together the meaningful parts of our lives in a way that works for each of us.
In recent years, there has been increased attention around partnering in new, expanded ways. The public discourse is littered with polyamorous relationships, open relationships, and various other constructions that eschew traditional romantic partnerships. In
’s book, The Other Significant Others, we learn about the lives of people who choose friendship to be the "primary" relationship in their lives. Like some of those featured, my co-parent and I refer to ourselves as “platonic life partners.” As close friends of over 14 years, we’ve known one another longer than the average American marriage. I knew my partner would make a wonderful mother and co-parent. We share the same values and have an aligned vision for the future. To my mind, these are the two most important qualities in a co-parent. When I put everything down on paper, the fact that we were not a romantic match was a superfluous detail, unrelated to the goal of creating a happy, healthy family. When it came to parenting, I had found the right person.
In Brad Wilcox’s book Get Married, the author and sociology professor passionately lays out the data-driven reasons he believes that traditional partnership, codified as marriage, is foundational to American society and critical to raising a thriving family. Similarly, writer and economics professor Melissa S. Kearney’s book The Two-Parent Privilege: How Americans Stopped Getting Married and Started Falling Behind argues that marriage, despite its flaws, is the best way to ensure a bright future for our children. In their work, both Wilcox and Kearney point to data around the benefits of two-parent households. On its face, the research is compelling. If we leave aside governmental policies that favor married couples, and therefore exacerbate inequities, two-parent households do provide a level of resources (time, money, etc.) that greatly benefit kids. Inside this data though, I do not see evidence of the importance of the romantic relationship between parents as it relates to positive outcomes for children. Healthy relationships between parents, absolutely. But romance? No.
There are some challenges in taking the route I’ve chosen, of course. Pursuing meaning in life requires that we make hard choices and endure painful experiences. My child is my first priority. I will have to exercise caution and care if I pursue a romantic partnership. But even with an added level of complexity, the dating options that are open to me feel free and exciting. To think, maybe I will live with my romantic partner one day. Maybe I won’t. Maybe he will play an active role in raising my child. Maybe not. Now that I’ve upended society’s expectations, I can pursue a meaningful life in a less encumbered way. After all, the American family is a constantly evolving vision.
I had several more dates with the man who asked if I was a single father. Over time I learned more about him; how he had supported his mother financially since he was 22; how he was raised in his grandmother’s home while his parents lived in an apartment in the same town, visiting on the weekends; how he was, despite dramatic ups and downs, still close to them. This man was not unfamiliar with alternative family structures, and to my surprise, had no issues with my arrangement. For him, it was an attractive quality to see someone wholeheartedly pursue their most important goals in life. While I wasn’t looking for his validation, it did feel nice. It reminded me that we are all a complex collection of experiences and relationships. I can be a parent and a partner. And when the time is right, I can also fall in love.
Inspiring 🤍 all the best to you and your family
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